PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
