she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
