my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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