My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
