Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
