My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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