So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
