Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
