The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
