Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
