I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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