I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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