you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
