Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
