Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
