Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
