Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
