i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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