Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
