my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
