At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
