why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
