It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
