allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
