haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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