We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
