Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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