he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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