Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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