The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
