So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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