I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
