I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Randomize
