I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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