We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
