Where did you get a picture of my penis
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
