Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
