I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
