I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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