my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
