Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
