omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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