How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
