It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
