Since when is my name a synonym for head?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
