Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she peed on how many people?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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