Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
