God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
