I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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