As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
